Parties somehow represent the rationing of fun, and that very concept depresses me. You’re allowed to act like a tit at parties; therefore, by implication, you’re not allowed to act like a tit the rest of the time. I consider that a serious infringement of my human rights.

For example, when people refer to someone as a “party animal”, you can guarantee what they really mean is “a loud, unimaginative, overbearing cretin who just about gets away with it when everyone around them is too drunk or stupid to complain”. If there are any self-proclaimed “party animals” reading this, I hope the ink rubs off on your fingers and poisons you - and if you’re online, I hope your monitor shatters, firing white-hot LCD shards into your dimwit, party-loving eyes.